Moms Helping Their Female Partners Through Pregnancy
(reprinted from January 2010, “Womb & Board” Edition)
All of the points discussed by Cameron Phillips directed at soon-to-be Dad’s on how to support your partner through pregnancy are true if you are a woman (or woman identified person). Though harder to admit as a lesbian, even the ‘embrace your inner cave man’ resonated with me. I remember many times feeling and behaving in a very protective way around my partner while she was pregnant.
So, all of you ladies who love ladies who are starting families, the advice to the Dad’s should be taken to heart as well.
I would like to add a few additional points of advice on how to support your pregnant partner, relevant to both men and women.
Start taking on as much of the house duties as you can manage.
If you are not already the primary chef, house cleaner, and handyperson around the house – start now. Your partner will really appreciate the extra effort, and it is good practice for when your little one arrives. It is extremely hard and tiring work being home with a baby all day, and yes, you will be tired from your day, and doing all the house duties will be hard work for you too (especially if you don’t already cook), however it will make a world of difference to your partner whilst pregnant and afterwards. If your partner is planning to stay at home with your newborn, do not assume that she has all the time (or energy) in the world to cook and clean. This is one of the most straight-forward, yet crucial ways to support your partner and family
Discuss your birth plan and prepare for it.
Talk to your partner about how she plans to give birth and what role she sees you having in her birth experience. Does she want to labour at home or in a hospital? How about in a birth pool? Who does she want present? What are her thoughts about drugs and interventions such as epidurals? Does she want a doula, or does she expect you to be the primary support at her birth? If you do not know much about birth – learn. Read some books, especially ones relating to the type of experience your partner is expecting. You can also take a class, or watch some videos. It is important that you can support her through her labour as best as possible, and being well informed and knowing what she wants is the best foundation to begin from. Also prepare for the labour she hopes for, for example, if she wants a home water birth, make sure you rent a birth pool!
Give her as much opportunity as possible to do self-care.
Most people do not take enough care of themselves. Our culture has an unwritten rule that self care is, well, selfish, and selfishness is only ever bad. However, your partner is about to embark on the selfless path of motherhood, and having a few months of supported self-care will be amazing to her. Allow her to pamper herself as much as possible and nourish her body in a healthy way. Make it easy for her to do what she needs physically, mentally and emotionally every day if possible, such as writing, meditation, swimming, yoga, or long walks in the woods. Facilitate her nurturing her body. The whole process of labour and being a new mother is exhausting and physically demanding. It will make her stronger for the marathon of labour and the sleep-deprived months that follow.
Nurture your relationship.
Having children is probably one of the most challenging things that can happen to a couple. Make a conscious effort to embrace all the wonderful reasons you are together as a couple before your little one arrives. Go on a lot of dates. Do activities that you love, but may not be appropriate for new babies, like the theatre, fancy restaurants, kayaking, back country camping, (just to name a few!). Be compassionate to one another, and spend a lot of quality ‘adult-only’ time. You may need the sweet memories to get you through the following year.
I would also like to address some of the queer-specific issues that soon to be queer Mom’s should be aware of.
The definition of “Mother” is huge.
Just because you are a woman, does not mean you can step directly into the role of mother. A lot of people imposed that assumption upon me, “oh, this will be easy for your partner because you are both women” etc. Wrong! There is something very primitive and biological that happens between a birth mother and their baby, which is only accentuated by breastfeeding. Take some time to think about the different ways you can bond as a mother with your child. Also recognize that your relationship to your child will be different than that of your child to your partner. The title alone does not determine the relationship.
Your new role is unique.
Let’s be honest, there are not a ton of non-biological gay mothers out there. Your role is more challenging to fulfill then soon-to-be-Dad’s because you do not have a very well-defined set of social standards to follow about what is right or how to behave. Also, the support systems for gay parents are lacking or non-existent. Plus, it may be quite awkward in many situations surrounding the very hetero-normative world of pregnancy. For example, at your prenatal class during a break-off group would you feel more comfortable with the pregnant moms talking about labour fears and breastfeeding, or going with the men to talk about sex and financial support? You may not feel that you really fit in either category. You have to just go with your gut, and do what feels right. Plus, speak out when you are being further marginalized. (i.e. the use of language such as “husband” instead of partner, or “dad” instead of parent in a prenatal class). You have just as much right to your experience as a new parent as anyone else.
Talk to your family and friends about the importance of language.
You need to have very detailed discussions with your family and friends about how you expect your family to be defined. Sometimes this discussion will bring up many other questions about your process as queer parents, and other times people just really do not know what to say, and they are glad you are talking to them to relieve any awkwardness they may feel. Perhaps you conceived using a donor, who plans to not be involved as a parent, your family should know that he is not to be called “Dad”, but should be called by his name or as “Donor” in relation to your family. Likewise, if you are co-parenting with another couple, perhaps the term “Dad” is being used. It is really important that your family be respected, and language is one of the strongest ways to achieve this.
Legal considerations should be sorted before the baby arrives.
If you are doing a second parent-adoption, or declaration of parentage (which I strongly recommend) to secure your position as a parent legally, and remove any legal onus on your donor, talk to your lawyer before the baby comes. Nothing can move legally until the baby is born, but it is a good idea to have everything all ready to go before the birth. Babies bring a lot of chaos with them, and it’s nice to have some of the more complicated things run as smoothly as possible.
Create personal space.
Most people do not know many queer couples that are pregnant, or have strong opinions about gay people having babies. Sometimes, this invokes extremely inappropriate comments or questions from people, even strangers. For example, many people asked us “what did you do to get pregnant?” which is, quite frankly no one’s business but ours. To put into perspective, you would never ask a straight couple, “what position did you use to conceive?” – that would be ridiculous, yet it is just as bold of a question. You need to determine how and when you will create your personal space. You can tell people that what they are asking is too personal, or you can respond to people’s questions with humour, (“oh, we are just so excited, we’d been trying to get pregnant for years!”), or education (i.e. you can explain the process of donor insemination). However you plan to deal with the undoubtedly high number of questions or comments, just make sure you take care of your emotional self, as it can be tiring and upsetting at times.
Useful resources.
There are so many challenging and unique situations about becoming a queer parent. We do not have the luxury of an accidental pregnancy, but we have the privilege of consciously chosen children. The book “The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth” by Stephanie Brill is an excellent resource for queer parents and has a lot of great advice.
Robin Stone is a proud mother of Marten, born at home in June 2009.
